Trying to Exhale

Last night was bad.

I wanted to yell at someone.

And I did.

I wanted to cry.

And I did.

I wanted to hit someone or something.

So I took a hot bath.

Being a parent is hard.

It’s a million times harder than the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

You will doubt every decision, every choice, every opinion.

You will live in fear you’re going to mess up (your kid).

You will not be perfect.

You will fail.

You will fight with your partner and snap at them.

You will get angry over stupid things.

You will cry in the bathroom.

You will have restless, sleepless nights.

Being a parent is amazing.

You will be amazed, joyful, and exhilarated.

You will learn to use parts of your brain, body, and soul that you’ve never used before.

You will love harder than ever before.

You will learn to trust your instincts, and choices, and settle into yourself.

You will make peace with not being perfect.

You will respect and admire your partner in new ways.

You will eat cold mac-&-cheese for breakfast and eggs for dinner.

You will cry in public when you talk about your child, or while watching them do something simple.

You will never sleep because you don’t want to miss a second of their life.

No, this isn't a dream.  It's parenting.

I love my kids immeasurably.

I think they’re brilliant creatures whose flaws I look forward to learning and loving.

I gush at how wonderful life is with them in it.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't feel eternally grateful for them both.     So when does it end?  When does the roller coaster slow and stop, and the safety straps unlatch?   Never, I'm learning.   My children are still riding, and I'm still waving and trying to exhale.  My mom tells me that she is still watching me from afar as well, as I ride what she sees as "a roller coaster" of my own.     "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child," so the saying goes.  She's only as anchored, and grounded, and reassuring, too. 
  But another part of this parenting job is to do a damn good impression of having our feet solidly on the ground.  Right?   I've held my breath long enough.     Exhale.    Breath, and enjoy the ride. 

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